Dear Reader,
Sir Sean Connery recently passed away. Photo credit: seanconnery.com
As you likely already know; we’ve lost two pretty cool guys in the last few weeks. Sir Sean Connery passed away at the end of October 2020 and Alex Trebek passed away in early November 2020.
You might consider these two individuals at the ends of some spectrum. The two were often compared for comedic effect (SNL skit). It’s easy to see the two as polar opposites.
In the skit, we are given a humorous treat. Two men are thrown into contrast against each other and we laugh because of how ‘fish out of water’ and utterly absurd the situation is.
In reality, both were humans. Both were men. Both had the ability to reason and plan. Both had the ability to be physically aggressive against another human being. It was only our view of both of them through the screen that formed our expectation of behavior from each of them.
It may surprise you that depression takes this same style of expectation based thinking to grind people down.
By Peabody Awards - Horace Newcomb and Alex Trebek, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=77150895
How does this work?
Essentially, your most recently evolved brain loves things like patterns, learning, and especially correctly predicting the future (even though it can’t). So, once we get to know Alex Trebek, his manner of speaking, his consistency, his intelligence; we begin to form a predictive kind of thought about him that was often fulfilled. Every time we saw him; he was calm, cool, and knew the answer.
When we get to know Sean Connery in his James Bond role; we see him swagger about with women, fist fight men, and drive evasively and quickly. He falls into this often enough that, now that I think about it, was he even that good of a spy? Anyway, just like Alex, we add these together and come to expect them ALMOST AS IF THEY WERE LAWFUL. Meaning, if he did something else, then we would question it. Why? It doesn’t fit our thinking mind’s picture of him.
Basically, our brain says that if we are in spot A, then we should anticipate that certain things will happen. If we are in spot B, then we should anticipate that another set of things will happen. When they actually DO happen, we get a little dopamine for being ‘right’.
Depression, in a SPECTRE kind of way, hijacks this process and uses it against the brain. It says that many or all things to expect are failures. They work against you and are likely the result of an action you did or did not take. So, the failure to meet the positive expectation is now your fault. If you ‘break character’, then it wants you to believe you are a failure.
The failure is perceived and isn’t rewarded.
“What is ‘your mom’?” isn’t the right question.
Dr. No or Goldfinger or whoever fires a laser at the moon.
Depressions says “It is YOUR fault!”
So, violation of the expectation leads to lack of reward. Wash, rinse, and repeat this over a few years. I think we can agree that going without reward for literally years would likely put someone in a depressive mindset.
What do we do about it?
Here’s the thing: Alex Trebek isn’t right or wrong. Sir Sean Connery isn’t right or wrong. They simply are.
It isn’t that one is passive and the other aggressive. It isn’t that one thinks and the other acts. In real life, these were both human males.
I’m sure there were times that Alex Trebek felt angry and aggressive towards someone. (Can you imagine him in a bar fight?
“I’m about to break this over your back while you aren’t looking, drunkenly stumble to the men’s room, then fall out of the half window and run into that field to pass out.”
“What is that bar stool?”
“Right! You take the board!” *CRASH*
“This is the last time I’m going to tell you to put your answer in the form of a question.”
I’m sure there were times that Sir Connery felt that the best solution was to quietly proceed and think/talk out the solution.
While this egg is very intricate; like depression, it has its weaknesses. Chris Hutcheson, LCSW with Gentle Beacon, LLC in Lafayette, Indiana wants to find depression’s weaknesses and utilize them against depressive moods.
“Pleash leave that Faberge egg alone. It’sshh never done anything to you. Oh, look, now you’ve broken the wee egg. Nexxshht time, pleassh be more careful. Let’sh go watch that baking show.”
Your mind will try to show you your failures, inconsistencies, or inactions to try and paralyze you. “YOU failed. YOU were’t enough. YOU suck.” These simply are lies. Why? Because we aren’t JUST ONE THING.
Am I a social worker? Yes.
Am I a secretary? Yes.
Am I a clinical therapist? Yes.
Am I a spouse? Yes.
Am I a groundskeeper? Yes… not a good one, according to my dead begonias, but yes.
You may have not been successful at doing the task. It is the TASK that wasn’t successful, not YOU. Furthermore, just because you don’t fit some cultural expectation of your gender/stature/status as a game show host doesn’t mean you are worth less. It just means you are you and THAT’S OK.
So, how do we overcome depression in this way?
You lead way more than one role in your relationships, profession, and hobbies.
You are a human being
You are someone’s loved one.
You are a fan of someone’s music.
You are a player of your favorite game.
You are a community member.
You are a fan of someone’s cooking.
You probably do something much better or faster than most people.
Ultimately, You are MUCH MORE than the task at hand.
You are the PERSON; not the ACTION. These are completely separate concepts.
This is often left at the end of letters to indicate a true wish for trust and respect for the reading party,
Chris Hutcheson, LCSW