There seems to be no shortage of grief today. It seems every other week or so I read an article about suicide, homicide (page 10, differences by age is where you’ll find it), or overdose being a leading cause of death.
Today, I’d like to challenge some myths we sometimes hold about grief.
My grief is taking longer than 1 month/1 year/5 years, etc. Is this too long? Shouldn’t I be ‘better’ by now?
There seems to be this strange expectation that if we aren’t ‘over it’ in 6 months, then there is something ‘wrong’. You knew this life well enough to experience grief at their loss. In other words, you have some kind of connection. We don’t have to ‘get over it’ (we may never), but we do need to keep living our lives to the best of our ability.
Well, how do I keep living my life with this loss?
I think they key is really thinking about what the life meant to you and doing something to memorialize them in some way.
No matter how large or small.
Check out this grief and loss worksheet in pdf. Feel free to download it and, if you find it useful; pass it around to those who might also benefit from it.
I feel guilty that I didn’t cry at the funeral/service/internment. Am I wrong? Do I deserve to grieve?
‘Deserve”, “guilty”, “wrong”... Do you hear yourself? You do not have to cry. Everyone grieves differently. Maybe you are more of a private person that prefers to mourn on your own. Maybe someone told you that crying is somehow tied to weakness. Whatever the case may be; you are unique and therefore your grief is unique. It is every bit as valid as anyone else’s no matter when or if you cry.
Help! I didn’t follow the Five stages of grief correctly/in order/complete them…
Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ work on the five stages of grief usually makes an appearance in this process at some point. If it is helping you grieve through validating your feelings (or describing them); that’s great! More often, people use it to discount or invalidating their own grieving (prescribing instead of describing). They compare their grief to the model and decide they are ‘doing it wrong’.
I think it is much more common to skip around the stages (maybe even in the same day or hour!). You might feel completely used to the change, then the next evening feel back to ‘square one’. Based on my experience, this is perfectly normal and is likely a part of your natural grieving process.
In truth, your grief is different from everyone else’s. Why? Your connection with that person was unlike anyone else’s.
If only I had (gone to that party last year, sent that letter, bought that gift)...
You can judge yourself about what you did or didn’t do, what happened in the second grade, about the argument you had last month, about what you had for breakfast…
Is it really helping you? Most people tell me that judging themselves and their past performance is usually a fantastic path to misery.
The past is the past. It just is. Judging ourselves about it does nothing to change it.
Fortunately, you have the ability to accept yourself for who you are IN THIS MOMENT.
Remember that in this moment, more than one thing can be true at the same time… even if they appear to be complete opposites!
If you are really thinking about the past enough to feel sad; doesn’t that make you thoughtful and considerate of others?
I am thoughtful AND I did not know when this person was going to pass away.
I want them back in my life AND I will find a way for them to be in my life without them being physically present.
I just lost my pet/lost my job/went through divorce/had a chapter in my life close. Am I allowed to feel grief about things that aren’t human death?
Absolutely. Each of the events above can lead to enormous changes in a person’s life. Now that things have changed, you may feel grief while you learn and live in your ‘new normal’.
Give yourself some time to adapt and heal.
Unfortunately for us, it is not a matter of ‘if’ we will grieve; it is ‘when’.
Fortunately, we have the ability to channel these powerful feelings into experiences and activities that can lead to entirely new chapters in our lives.
In our shared humanity,
Chris